The Tip of The Month -

24-Hour Rule.

I usually invite couples to agree to a 24-hour rule that I have devised. This means when something happens between a couple and bad feelings have resulted, then the person has 24 hours to bring it up and talk about it. If the person does not do it within 24 hours, then it needs to be dropped, and it is never to be brought up later as ammunition. Months or years later, it is not fair to attack your partner with, ‘Remember last year when you...’

If there is not a space to talk within 24 hours, at least put it on the agenda, by saying something like, ‘This weekend I would like to talk to you about...’

This rule needs to be put in place after all past issues that have formed the wall of trivia have been brought out and discussed. Otherwise the wall will remain. I invite you to talk with your partner about all the past issues and resentments. You need to tell your partner about all past hurts, resentments, and frustrations, and do so in a clear non-abusive manner. Doing this will clear the wall of past issues and then you and your partner will be current: then put the 24-hour rule in place.

The 24-hour rule is excellent with all relationships, friends, parents, children, and other family members. It ensures that people with feelings take responsibility for either talking about how they feel, or if they choose not to, then to drop feelings. Choosing not to at times is OK, but don’t do it too often, or the wall of trivia will form again. Most of the time it is best to talk about it. People are not mind-readers (as much as we wish they were). By not telling people you are upset about something, you are not giving them a chance to change, and improve the relationship. Additionally you are not being honest.

There are two forms of lying. One is of commission, telling an untruth.The other is a lie of omission; not saying when something is wrong, and leading others to believe all is OK when it is not. The classic example, is when a  furious and steaming person, says, ‘I’m fine,’ when asked ‘what is wrong?’ This is unfair and does not allow the other person to apologize, or change, or even know what the problem is. The extreme is a situation I have seen several times. One person leaves the relationship and the other had no idea that he/she was unhappy, or that there was a problem. They did not see it coming at all. This is unfair as leaving without voicing frustrations does not give the other person a chance to change and repair the relationship.